Filmmaking tutorial (satire): How to Make a terrible Gangster Movie?

Listen up budding filmmakers; I am going to tell you the million dollar tip on how to make a gangster movie that might end up at the top of the worst movies of the year or the worst movies of all time.

Before we proceed, you must ensure that you have learned all the techniques of making the film. I am just here to give you that special ingredient that will make your film stand out.

Start by doing your research on the mafia. Pick a mob boss who is dreaded by mob bosses of other crime families and loved by people in his neighborhood for his activities of charity( by charity I don't mean killing, extortion or any other such activities).

If you are confused about picking a mob boss as the hero of your film, let me give you a default choice: John Gotti, the notorious Italian-American gangster who went on to become the boss of the Gambino crime family.

See your concept is now taking wings. You can rejoice your movie is now both a gangster movie and a biopic. 

Now the million dollar question: Who will play Gotti? A handful of names would come across your mind. Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, what about Jack Nicholson?

Leave them all. They have all played gangsters in the past. De Niro in Goodfellas, The Godfather Part 2 and Casino, Pacino in The Godfather trilogy and Nicholson The Departed and Hoffa. 

Then who will play Gotti in your Gotti biopic? John Travolta. I can see the shock and doubt in your face. I know never in a million years you would have picked Travolta for your movie, especially after Battlefiled Earth (2000).

Remember we are going to make a terrible gangster movie. So don't you think Travolta is the best choice? or you want Nicolas Cage? 

I recently watched Mom and Dad(2017) and I liked Cage's performance (the usual over the top). So let's stick with our guy Travolta. He is the man!

Let’s give our man some not-so-convincing make up to convince our audience that he looks like the real-life mob boss John Gotti.

Remember we don’t have enough cash to shoot the outdoors, so keep it minimal. Let’s focus on the actors not the background. And write a shitload of dialogues. Let our actors talk to each other in every single sequence, so we can save some money.

Do not try to include any memorable catchphrases or witty dialogues. In fact, you are not allowed to write or shoot anything that will leave a lasting impression on the audience. Remember our aim is to make a terrible gangster movie.

What should be the central conflict in the movie? There are plenty of ways to approach the story of JohnGotti: ‘How did John Gotti become the boss of the powerful Gambino crime family?’ or we can explore the attitude of the society : ‘Why do a lot of people idolize gangsters such as John Gotti and Al Capone?’

There are other themes like the father-son relationship, every crime will be punished at the end (cancer kills Gotti) etc. No we don’t want to focus on a single aspect, just touch on every theme and don’t give the audience anything to latch on because we are making a bad movie.

And if you still insist on style, ok let’s make the movie non-linear. We can use plenty of flash backs and flash forwards. We can even break the fourth wall by letting John Gotti(Travolta) speak directly to the camera.

Travolta breaking the fourth wall in Gotti

Ok now we are ready. The movie is yours. If you follow the above-mentioned tips you can make a terrible movie. And you can improvise on it to make it further stink. You can name your movie ‘Gotti’ to convince the audience it’s a genuine biopic.

Wait, did you say Oscars? No we shouldn’t expect any Academy Award nominations; perhaps we can secure some Razzie nominations. All the best Travolta, see you at the Razzies.